Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
