This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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