At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
