I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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