The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sext me about skeletons
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
