I think my vagina is haunted
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
