Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
