I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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