I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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