I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im part way to drunk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
