good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
