I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
