Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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