I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
