I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
