My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
