I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
