I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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