Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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