somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
