in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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