Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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