Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Never let your siblings swipe right.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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