There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
