Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
