My first STD was from a foam party
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
