your parents love me but you hate me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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