My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize