my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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