so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
