The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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