Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize