My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
