My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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