It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
