You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize