mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
