The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I won the penis lottery.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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