The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
