I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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