Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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