Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
