I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
