Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize