His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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