my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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