i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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