why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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