maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
