just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
