dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
