On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
