Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
