So drunk its hurt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize