You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
