You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
