I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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