Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
