just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
