Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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