so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
