im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
MIDGETS
????
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
