Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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