I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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