Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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