it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
