Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
