I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
