So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
